Papaw's First Christmas

I’m a new Papaw. It’s been three months now and I’m still not over it! It’s taken me this long to corral all these new feelings enough to write them down. Audrey Faye is the newborn, but there is a newborn place in my heart that was awakened the moment I first saw and held her…sidebar note: she smelled like cookies! In the same way that Audrey is beautiful, warm, tender, vibrant, fresh, and utterly lovable, so is this feeling I have in this new part of my heart. It gets reborn every time I see her, or see the latest photo of her, or hear her coo on the phone. I’m not sure if it was even there before she arrived, or perhaps it was always there without my knowledge… until she touched it. I tell everybody that “she touched me in a place I didn’t know I had!”

She makes everything else in my life seem new and fresh and brighter and broader and more important and more profound and loved more intensely. It’s like the “Shift” key on the old typewriters…the whole mechanism of our lives moved up to a whole new level when Audrey arrived. I love Linda (Gran) in a whole new way as I watch her eyes dance and marvel at Audrey’s every movement and emotion. I love Stephanie not only as our beautiful daughter but also now with such pride in her as an incredibly strong, devoted, and focused mother…another whole new level. I see and hear the pure joy in Aunt Liza’s eyes, voice, and writings and I revel in the unbridled overflow. I love how Jason is hopelessly lost in complete fascination and delight, and I see the resolve in his eyes…locked onto the joys and responsibilities of fatherhood. I love Uncle Jonathan’s quiet and profound strength as he endures the pain of separation from all (but one, for now) of his loved ones.

But mostly I love you, Audrey! Did you know you made all these things happen? That’s a lot of heavy lifting little one! And you make it look so easy. Do you know how much you are loved? Your arrival truly changed our family’s world. I’ve often thought that our hearts, created by God, are somehow each unique but still hold the shape of His hand. He knows perfectly who we are, how we are made, and for what purpose. When He chooses to bless us, He knows exactly when and where to touch our hearts to bring about our joy in the good times, peace in the tough times, and the ability and desire to worship Him and breathe thanks to Him for so many things too wonderful for words. Audrey, I believe that you came straight from His hand to us thereby touching off this celebration of praise and avalanche of photographs! God loves you and He has such wonderful plans for you. Listen closely, little one, to whatever He says and follow Him all the days of your life.

Christ’s arrival on that first Christmas changed everything and our hearts will never be the same. Now, you have come to us and so, from now on, none of our Christmases will ever be the same. This will be my first Christmas as a Papaw. Therefore, I no longer have any fear of Santa’s naughty or nice list. It doesn’t matter to me any more if I only get a bag of switches because this Christmas I already have the best gift any Papaw could hope for…you, Audrey!

Somewhere in the Middle

 

I’ve totally plagiarized this title from one of my favorite authors but I think she’ll forgive me by the time she’s finished reading this. Like her poem about the awkward and bittersweet transition of teenagers from childhood to adulthood, this theme is about change from one phase of life to another. In an earlier blog I shared some thoughts on my spiritual journey through childhood, young marriage, raising our two girls, and our empty nest. Now, I feel a bit suspended between that past and the unknown future, between my youth and my “old age”, somewhere in the middle of my roles as  husband, father, and beyond. So, in keeping with the stated premise of this blog, now comes a time to pause, take a philosophical breath, and look back and forward.

One of my favorite memories of childhood still fuels the joy in my heart…holiday meals.  Not so much the meal itself but what usually came afterward.  They were wonderful of course but what I enjoyed most was not among all the usual things that make holidays special.  Don’t get me wrong!  I loved the food, the fun of running around playing with my cousins, gifts at Christmas, hunting eggs at Easter, turkey and dressing at Thanksgiving, all the smells and sounds from the kitchen, and even the awkward hugs and kisses from little known and seldom seen aunts.  It seems my ear was always tuned for a moment when the grown-ups would begin to talk.  I’ve always been drawn to that.  I loved it so much I would pause from all other activities and make my way to the table where they were and just listen.  In the grown-up vs. kid culture of the day I would never dare speak…just listen.  Sometimes the conversations were serious.  There might be talk of work, jobs lost and gained, politics, or illness.  But most often the house would echo with laughter and there would be storytelling of the highest order…hunting stories, romances relived, practical jokes pulled, self-confessed blunders, and holiday moments of old… relived once again…some retold year after year to greater delight each time.  Everyone seemed to know his place and moment to share his particular story or when to goad someone into a confession of wisdom gained.  I especially remember those times when I would be noticed and granted a seat at the table.  I remember the delight in the eyes of my mother or aunt or grandpa as they would bring up a chair just for me, then stack hymn books, Sears catalogues, or encyclopedias in the seat until I could sit high enough to see everyone.  I remember having the feeling that sitting before the grand expanse of that table, now littered with crumbs on dessert plates and steaming cups of coffee, seemed to be the very center of life itself.  I was too young then to understand all that my heart was feeling, but I did feel the most special when, to my great joy, I was offered my own cup of coffee! “Boy, that stuff will put hair on your chest!”  was the common tease.  I didn’t mind.  It was all part of growing up, part of taking my place in the family…a token of belonging and being loved.  The holiday afternoons at those tables of nearly 60 years now have blended together their sweet and bitter tales like the sugar in that strong coffee, to shape my love for my family and my vision of the kingdom of heaven.

I sometimes think the kingdom works this way:      

I have a list…a list of names that plays through my mind like the credits of a movie.  They roll across the screen of my life quite often, especially in times of crisis and sorrow or triumph and joy.  Mostly married couples, they are the names of my heroes, my role models, my mentors.  They are on the list because they are the ones who taught me about life, about God and His love, about Jesus and the life that we have now and forever in Him.  They taught me not only with their voices but most importantly with their lives…long, steadfast, and faithful lives, steadily in love with each other and steadily in love with Jesus.  They are my family.  Two families really.  One, related to me by birth and marriage, and the other by spiritual birth, my church family.  They made sure I was invited to the meal.  They made sure that words of wisdom and love and forgiveness would fall on my ears even while I was running around playing with my friends and seemingly not paying any attention to the things of God.  They took special delight in noticing me and finding me a chair when I was drawn to the table, His Table, by what I now realize was the urging of the Holy Spirit.  They raised me up high enough to see and hear by stacking under me memory verses, Vacation Bible Schools, cookies and Kool-Aid served with big helpings of songs and stories about Jesus, well deserved spankings, RA camps, Sword Drill sessions, Sunday School lessons, daily Bible readings, sermons, underserved spankings(maybe), nightly Bible readings, prayer meetings, nickels in tithe envelopes, lives lived sent and lived out before a young boy so that in that moment… when he was at the table, The Table, His Table…he could see and hear the Master’s voice.  The voice I heard was the same one that I had heard before so many times and from so many different directions and from so many different people but always the same still, small voice.  “I love you and I want you to believe in Me.”  So I did. 

Now, I understand the delight in their eyes.  Now, it’s my turn to serve at the table.  The years have rolled on and the faces around our family and spiritual tables have changed.  I’ve begun to realize that more and more it falls to me to make sure, first of all, that there is a table.  Then I must be sure that the table provides life, physically and spiritually for my family and for anyone I can help.  My heroes are almost all gone but I’ve been shaped by them and I must not stop here in the middle.  It’s too much fun.  Will God let me be the Grandpa at the table?  Will my table be big enough?  Strong enough?  Will my children and grandchildren cherish my table?  His Table?  I pray He grants me the joy of knowing so.